A Shakespearean Tragedy of the Heart

A Shakespearian Tragedy of the Heart

Sung by the members of Solis Camerata

William Shakespeare
William Shakespeare

Next week Solis Camerata performs our first concert of the spring semester. I’ve really enjoyed creating a Shakespeare program, but an intriguing manifestation occurred through the study of these texts.  It became more than just a program of choral music. Instead, a gripping and heartbreaking story developed. This classic ‘Shakespearean tragedy’ of lost love also features gorgeous choral music by both modern composers, and from the bard’s time.

(Read the descriptions under the pictures below to decipher the plot. Modern English translations included through a link on the title of each song).

ASU Choral Concert “Songs of Love”  February 26, 2012, 7:30 p.m. Valley Presbyterian Church 6947 E. McDonald Drive Paradise Valley, AZ
Tickets are sold at the door only. $5 for general admission and $2 for students with valid student ID.

“Ah Robin” round by William Cornish (d. 1523)

Twelfth Night 4.2
Soloists: Margaux Fox, Rebecca Woodbury, Mariana Barboza
The Fate of love. Some love is beautiful and lasting. Yet, be warned, some love is cruel and sorrowful.
Prologue: The Fate of love. Some love is beautiful and lasting. Yet, be warned, some love is cruel and sorrowful.
*Refrain: Ah, Robin, gentle Robin,

Tell me how thy leman doth and thou shalt know of mine 
Singer 1: My lady is unkind, perdie, Iwis, alack, why is she so?
She lov’th another better than me and yet she will say no.*
Singer 2: I cannot think such doubleness for I find women true:
My lady loveth me doubtless and will change for no new.*
Singer 1: Thou are happy while that doth last but I say as I find,
That women’s love is but a blast and turneth like the wind.* 

“Three Merry Men” – anon

Found in the John Playford Manuscript (ca. 1623 – 1686)
Twelfth Night 2.3
Soloists: Eric Chapman, Noah Brown, and Caleb Boyd
Three men roam in the forest, relaxing and enjoying life.
Three men roam in the forest, relaxing and enjoying life.
Three merry men, and three merry men
And three merry men be we.
I in the wood, and thou on the ground,
and Jack sleeps in the tree.

Romeo and Juliette 1.5

Spoken by Noah Brown
Suddenly one man spies a marvel… A beautiful woman! He calls out to her.
Suddenly one man spies a marvel… A beautiful woman! He calls out to her.
Did my heart love ’til now?
Forswear it, sight!
For I ne’er saw true beauty
’til this night!

“Where the Bee Sucks” Robert Johnson (ca. 1583-1633)

The Tempest 5.1
Soloist: Joyce Yin
Dancers: Noah Brown, Elizabeth Lee
The young lady flirts with this handsome young man and finds herself intrigued.
The young lady flirts with this handsome young man and finds herself intrigued.
Where the Bee sucks, there suck I,
In a Cowslip’s bell, I lie,
There I couch when Owls do cry,
On the Bat’s back I do fly, after Summer merrily.
Merrily, Merrily, shall I live now,
Under the blossom that hangs on the Bough.

“It Was a Lover and his Lass”  by Thomas Morley (ca. 1557-1602)

As You Like It 5.3
The happy couple fall in love and plan to marry.
The happy couple fall in love and plan to marry.
It was a lover and his lass
with a hey, and a ho and a hey nonny no.
That o’er the green corn fields did pass
In Spring time, the only pretty ring time.
When birds do sing Hey ring a ding a ding.
Sweet lovers love the spring. 
 
This carol they began that hour
with a hey, and a ho and a hey nonny no.
How that a life was but a flower
In Spring time, the only pretty ring time.
When birds do sing Hey ring a ding a ding.
Sweet lovers love the spring.

“Fancy Bred” by Elliot Sneider (b. 1977)

(Arizona State University DMA Composition TA)
The Merchant of Venice 3.2
Soloists: Sarah Moore, and J.D. Lawson
However, she doubts and questions her love for him:
However, she doubts and questions her love for him.
Tell me where is fancy bred?
How begot how nourished?
Or in the heart
Or in the head?
Reply
It is engendered in the eyes.
And fancy dies in the cradle where it lies
Let us all ring fancy’s knell
I’ll begin it. Ding Dong Bell

“Take, O Take Those Lips Away” by Emma Lou Diemer (b. 1927)

Measure by Measure 4.1
Pianist: Elliot Sneider
In remorse and sadness, he laments about the loss of her promised love, and the loss of her sweet kisses.
In remorse and sadness, he laments the loss of her promised love, and the loss of her sweet kisses.
Take, O Take those lips away
That so sweetly were forsworn
And those eyes, the break of day
Lights that do mislead the morn
But my kisses bring again,
Seals of love, but seal’d in vain.

“Farewell Dear Heart” by Robert Jones (ca. 1577 – 1617)

Twelfth Night 2.3
Soloists: Elizabeth Lee, Brina Gerstenberger, and Noah Brown
She asks a friend for advice, unsure if she desires to stay with him, or leave.
She asks a friend for advice, unsure if she desires to stay with him or leave.
 *Girl:  Farewell dear heart,
Since I must needs be gone,
*Friend: His eyes do show his days are almost done,
*Boy: But I will never die.
*Friend: Yet Sir Toby, there you lie.
*Girl: Shall I bid him go?
*Friend: What an if you do?
*Girl: Shall I bid him go, and spare not?
*Friend: O no, no, no ,no you dare not.


“O Mistress Mine” by Matthew Harris (b. 1956)

Twelfth Night 2.3
Soloist: Noah Brown
He spins a persuasive and heart-felt narrative, trying to convince her to stay and give their love a second chance.
He spins a persuasive and heart-felt narrative,
trying to convince her to stay and give their love a second chance.
O Mistress Mine where are you roaming?
O, stay and hear, your true love is coming,
That can sing both high and low.
Trip no further, pretty sweeting,
Journeys end in lovers meeting
Every wise man’s son doth know.
What is love? Tis not herafter.
Present mirth hath present laughter,
What’s to come is still unsure.
In delay there lies no plenty,
Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty,
Youth’s a stuff will not endure.

“Loath to Depart” anon

Found in Ravenscroft’s Deuteromelia 1609
Soloists: Elizabeth Lee, Brina Gerstenberger, Rebecca Schmidt, Alexa Valencia
Nevertheless, she insists on parting despite her distaste of farewells.
Nevertheless, she insists on parting despite her distaste of farewells.
However, she justifies that their courtship was only a friendship that could not last.
She justifies that their courtship was only a friendship that could not last.
Sing with thy mouth,
Sing with thy heart,
Like faithful friends,
Sing loath to depart.
Though friends together
may not always remain
Yet loath to depart,
Sing Once again.

“Come Away Death” by Ralph Vaughn Williams (ca. 1872-1958)

From Twelfth Night 2.4

This tragic tale ends with his unrequited love.
This tragic tale ends with his unrequited love.
He mourns the loss of his love, equating it to death.
He mourns the loss of his sweet love, equating it to death.
Come away death
And in sad cypress let me be laid.
Fly away breath.
I am slain by a fair cruel maid.
My shroud of white,
stuck all with yew, o prepare it!
My part of death
no one so true did share it.
 
Not a flower sweet,
On my black coffin let there be strown
Not a friend great,
My poor corse, where my bones shall be thrown.
A thousand sighs to save, Lay me
O, where sad true lover never find my grave,
To weep there!

The Golden Rule / The Golden Music

Since I am a musician and fervent believer in the restorative and healing power of music, I feel compelled to share music written about and for victims. I have collected ten personal favorite events and compositions that communicate hope and a desire to overcome pain and suffering. This music challenges humanity, yet in order to heal we must face pain, and some of the pieces I included are downright tear jerking. My heart aches especially for hurt and suffering inflicted upon children, so you might notice that thread in my musical choices.

I am incredibly grateful to these composers, conductors and singers for their foresight, courage, and willingness to create art that challenges us, but also makes the world a more beautiful and gratifying place.

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1- Example 1 is not a specific piece, but comes from a blog I wrote a year ago about my experiences with the Irish choir Anúna, during our concert tour in Japan. The blog outlines my observations as we visited the Tsunami stricken Fukushima region of Japan. We gave a concert to an enthusiastic crowd of primary school children and they touched my heart. It is an experience I will not soon forget. You can read it in either location listed below:

Michael McGlynn’s Blog

Paul Carey’s Blog

(Michael McGlynn also arranged one of the most famous carols about victims: the slaughter of thousands of children at the hand of King Herrod, in the bible. This version of Coventry Carol is simple, ethereal and haunting)

2-  Castle on a Cloud – Les Miserables

My favorite musical, Les Miserables, is a powerful story of cruelty, humanity and hope. The story addresses starvation, war, unfair justice, and it delves into the deep and ugly world of child abuse. This song is a bitter/sweet moment in the show where the neglected and abused child, Cosette, copes with her circumstances by dreaming of a brighter life. The beautiful tale awards her that brighter life, but not without the immense sacrifice and love of Jean Valjean, her adopted father.

3- A Child’s Prayer – James MacMillan

This composition is powerfully heartbreaking, and much harder to listen to than most of the other pieces on my list. Composed in the memory of the Dublane School Massacre in Scotland, where a man entered a primary school, shot and killed sixteen children and one adult. It was the turning point in the UK discussion about legislation for gun control. James MacMillan etches two high melancholy voices in the score, representing the lost children.

4- Prayer of the Children – Kurt Bestor

Although every sort of choir, band and soloist has sung this song, (and often not particularly well) it remains high on my list of wrenchingly beautiful music about victims. The text speaks of children living in circumstances that would turn the most jaded of us pale. The text asks God to hear the hearts and voices of those children, take them away from harm and hope for a better day amidst their world, which is ‘full of hate’.

5- Requiem – Craig Hella Johnson arranged this beautiful song, by Eliza Gilkyson for choir.

The text is a plea to Mother Mary from a population of victims who suffered from the 1996 Tsunami’s in Indonesia. Their lives changed forever as homes, belongings and families disappeared in an instant, swallowed up by the sea. Over 260,000 lives were lost in that natural disaster. The voices in the composition seek comfort for their soul from ‘Mother Mary, full of grace’. This piece holds relevance for the victims of Hurricane Katrina in 2005, Hurricane Sandy in 2012 and the Japanese Tsunami of 2011.

6- Across the Vast Eternal Sky  – Ola Gjeilo

I listened to this piece a great deal last summer after my sister and her family endured a horrific car accident. It was a miracle that my 8-year old niece not only survived her life-threatening injuries, but now thrives. This song gave me immense hope while my niece was fighting for her life for several weeks in a coma. Blessed with awe-inspiring talent, composer Ola Gjeilo creates music that is not only beautiful and warm, but healing and transcending. This piece, in my opinion, is his shining jewel. Charles Anthony Silvestri’s text recounts the magical path of the Phoenix beginning with youth, light and soaring flight. Parallel to evolution in our own lives, over time the Phoenix turns sadly grey, losing its bright vibrancy of color. Yet even in the midst of death, the Phoenix affirms: “Do not despair that I am gone away; I will appear again when the sunset paints flames across the vast eternal sky.” Sure enough, my niece did appear again, more brilliantly painted than before her tragic injuries!

7 – The Seal Lullaby – Eric Whitacre

This piece, originally conceived as a ‘disney-esque’ lullaby, narrates the tale of a mother seal singing to her young pup assuring him safety and love. Although this piece is not specifically about victims, it most certainly pulls on the heartstrings of all parents who would do anything to protect their children from dangers beyond their loving arms. Whitacre’s portrayal is a comforting and warm tale, full of hope and peaceful innocence… something we all need a little of now and then.

8 – There Will be Rest – Frank Tichelli

Composed on a text by Sara Teasdale, she expresses that although there may not be peace in this lonely life, there is rest and beauty found in music, snow, and ultimately in the vast majesty of the stars. The harmony, texture and carefully crafted flow of the song take the listener on a journey, which slowly awakens the mind to the infinite potential of the universe.

9- Canticum Calimatatis Maritamae – Jaakko Mäntijärvi

This 13-minute work honors the victims of the 1994 tragedy, in which the MS Estonia sank in the Baltic Sea and became one of the worst maritime disasters of the 20th century. 917 lives were lost that day, only 137 survived and not a single survivor being under the age of 12. Finnish Composer Jaakko Mäntijärvi’s work begins with the haunting whisperings of the victims lost at sea, while the single plaintive voice of the lost sea captain’s widow sings a sorrowful hymn (based loosely on Irish hymn, Nearer My God to Thee. Popular rumors state that the hymn is one of the last songs played by the musicians on the Titanic as it sank into its fateful grave in 1912).  We then hear the actual news report of the disaster, spoken in Latin, which leads into choral illustrations that evoke images of thrashing waves, undulating currents, frightful activity, and finally a deep unsettling rest as the deep claims its prey.

9 – War Requiem – Let Us Sleep Now – Benjamin Britten

Benjamin Britten’s War Requiem is one of the hardest large choral works to absorb mentally, physically and emotionally due to its heavy and overwhelmingly visceral depiction of war’s devastation. However, his last movement moves away from the pain and towards rest, reconciliation and forgiveness. Yet even though there is a sense of rest in Let us sleep now, Britten casts an ironic tone, as there is no way to recover truly from the horrors of a war in which over 60 million people died.

The Golden Rule – Part 1

Part I- The Golden Rule

Today is Martin Luther King Day 2013. My kids stayed home from school and it was exciting to watch the Presidential inaugural ceremony with them now that they are old enough to understand the historical significance. I’ve been thinking about the equality of mankind recently and I am troubled by the current state of our culture. My husband and I took a trip to Alabama and Florida last June and during that trip had the opportunity to visit The Dexter Avenue Baptist Church in Montgomery Alabama where Dr. King worked as pastor. I have always admired Dr. King’s work, his passion and his dreams. However, standing in the geographic location where much of the history occurred gave me a renewed perspective. His message of hope continues to touch me.

Dexter Avenue Baptist Church in Montgomery Alabama
Dexter Avenue Baptist Church in Montgomery Alabama
Yet, perhaps we have not gone far enough in seeking equality for all our fellow citizens. I believe the inability to empathize has become an epidemic in this country. We live in an era where the cries of victims are overridden by rhetoric, politics and overreaction. In the aftermath of the Sandy Hook massacre, we have seen an out of touch NRA casting blame largely upon the mentally ill instead of taking a serious look at how guns play a role in multiple tragedies in our communities. Gabby Giffords Takes on NRA

We have seen demented politicians suggest outrageous solutions that are dangerous, irresponsible and obtuse. Sheriff Joe launches ‘posse’ to patrol schools

We’ve even seen the ridiculous and laughable overreactions by school officials, who are so scared of public judgment that they make a case for the absurd. Kindergartner Suspended over Bubble Gun Threat

Everyone wants to cast blame and find ‘the’ culprit for these sad and depraved episodes of violence. Unfortunately, terribly few people are willing to take a good hard look inside and see the sad, sad truth: ‘society’ is the problem. I am certainly not an expert in social psychology, but I do think that if we all contemplate human nature, it’s easy to what propels behavior.  The way we treat each other, for good or for worse, has a lasting reverberation. The world is full of abuse, ignorance, indifference and the world is full of the casualties of such behavior.

In practice, I believe that most people posses a hopeful spirit, which seeks peace, social equality and compassion. However, sometimes in doing so, stories of the disadvantaged become swept ‘under the rug’ as the subject is uncomfortable. Yet, we need to be sensitive to the needs of less fortunate, down trodden and forsaken. I especially have a soft spot in my heart for those who are purposefully ridiculed, held back and persecuted by others. The appeals of those who suffer adversity happens in places where it may or may not be obvious:

  • Those who are born with impairments that make them act ‘different’, and stereotyped as unusual.
  • Individuals who suffer from a disability. Their physical impairment prevents them from taking part in everyday activities.
  • Those who suffer from peer bullying. They fear physical, social and emotional cruelty at school and through social media and digital realms.
  • Our teachers, who often have over 30 children in their classroom, receive attacks by parents, administration, legislatures and the public and are treated like glorified babysitters. Yet they are only paid a meager salary for their heroic efforts.
  • From the opposite perspective, students who struggle to pay the high cost of tuition and endure an awkward system with class sizes of over 500 students, and uncaring professors who teach through fear, manipulation and negativity, holding students to unrealistic expectations and inflict punitive consequences while lacking sufficient communication.
  • Alternately, those who cannot afford to go to college and hold dead-end, future-less jobs.
  • Peer academic and workplace bullying. The subtle passive-aggressive ‘politics’ that make or break the ability for someone to move forward in their career.
  • The ‘glass ceiling’ for women… alive and well.
  • The elderly.
  • Those who will not ever make a livable salary despite an ethic of hard work.
  • Helpless children in abusive homes who do not have an understanding of their neglect, nor a pathway to safety.
  • Domestic violence victims who have nowhere to seek safety.
  • “Majority” or ‘clique’ dynamics, where the cries of the few are ignored because they are the minority within an organization. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of this knows its nothing more than Jr.-High behavior dressed up as professional conduct.
  • Divorce settlement victims, whether that be the children or one of the parents. Surprisingly, dads are more likely to receive less time with children, pay more money on child support and suffer from court discrimination than are moms.
  • Victims of gun and hate crimes of any kind.
  • Victims of natural disasters, man made accidental disasters and terrorist disasters.
  • Active military and their families. Although most military members have pride and an ardent love for what they do, their choices and liberties are restricted due to their commitment to this country. Many have paid the ultimate price.
  • Civilizations with large populations that are dying of hunger and thirst due to corrupt governments who are more likely to kill and start wars than they are to take care of their own people.
  • Abusive churches that: discriminate against women, same-sex partners, and force a congregation into submission through a culture of humiliation, fear and shame.  By extension, church Pastors who have nasty habits of abusing their power, acting as judge and jury by threatening ‘exposure’ of a perceived ‘sin’ unless obedience occurs. Or even worse, hate groups, posing as a ‘church’, that protest in the name of ‘god’. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westboro_Baptist_Church.
  • People who are ignored, belittled or prevented from individual progression because they are too: fat, skinny, tall, short, poor, rich, democrat, republican, blonde, brunette, talented, non-talented, dim-witted, smart, beautiful and less than beautiful.  Or because they have a different skin color, job, accent, heritage, dress code or belief system than the perceived norm.

The list of adversities humanity suffers is endless and profound. Yet, some find it acceptable to cast blame on large blankets of society, stating that their circumstances were of their own doing. Mitt Romney attacks 47% of Americans While some populations may not take the necessary steps towards self responsibility, I believe the large body of people in this country work sincerely towards a brighter future.

Perhaps modern society should take the advice of our medical community: Preventative medicine is the best antidote. Before we cast blame on those who perpetrate crime, blame mental illness, blame video games, lobby for or against guns, and administer judgment we MUST look at ourselves. We must be aware of how our actions cause others to feel, and by extension, how the long-term effects of our interaction with groups and individuals of every culture, country, stereotype and demographic impact their ability to cope with life. It assuredly comes down to one thing, and it is quite straightforward:

The Golden Rule – Do unto others as you would have done unto you.

Or as Dr. Martin Luther King said about beloved communities:

“Love is creative and redemptive. Love builds up and unites; hate tears down and destroys. The aftermath of the ‘fight with fire’ method which you suggest is bitterness and chaos, the aftermath of the love method is reconciliation and creation of the beloved community. Physical force can repress, restrain, coerce, destroy, but it cannot create and organize anything permanent; only love can do that.”
Martin Luther King, Jr., 1957

* Part Two of this blog deals with the restorative and healing power of profound music written about and for victims.

Tis’ the Season

Many of my friends on Facebook have been posting EE user cards (http://www.someecards.com/). The cards are a daily ‘funny’ that can be personally tailored to your own life. I saw one the other day that read: “Hooray it’s December! Oh wait… I’m a musician”.  I laughed and laughed, but to be honest… it hit a little close to home.

For those of you that support us creative/music type at this time of year, you have our eternal gratitude and thanks! We often hear that we move our audiences to tears, bring them joy, hope, love and peace. However, there are occasions that musicians must work very hard at not seeing our concertizing as merely a ‘job’. Often, we have rehearsed the music (both conductors and ensemble members alike) for months. If we are not at a rehearsal, we are in a concert. If we are not in a concert, we are practicing. If we are not practicing we hope we find some time to get some sleep. And for those who conduct/direct, we have the extra jobs of secured venues, contracting musicians, creating posters, making programs, researching translations, holding extra rehearsals for soloists, sorted out concert attire, managing decorations, writing press releases and disseminating marketing etc…. etc…. etc….. The list goes on and on.

In the the middle of our music bustle, many of us also desire to participate in the fun of the season.  It IS the “Most Wonderful Time of the Year” after all! Musicians Christmas shop, cook, wrap, take our kids to see Santa and Christmas lights, decorate our homes and entertain (when there is time!). By the time you see us in a concert venue we are often wiped out from the holiday madness, and exhausted from our music preparations.

I admit, I’ve experienced a holiday ‘burn-out’ this year.  So I’ve been trying to find ways to invigorate the Christmas spirit. My children and I put up the tree, but I wasn’t really in the mood to put up the rest of the decorations. I turned on Christmas music. However, it made me think of the myriad of concerts I was responsible for this season, so I turned it off. I baked the family favorite “Candy Cane Christmas Brownies” and my husband baked Gingerbread Cookies… but who needs a few extra pounds on the scale? Perhaps my problem was the weather? It was an average of 80 degrees here in Phoenix from Thanksgiving until December 13th  … it just didn’t ‘feel’ like Christmas. So I thought to myself… what does Christmas feel like and what exactly am I missing?

In my pondering, I began to think about my childhood and a flood of Christmas memories came to the surface:

  • The glittering lights of my childhood Christmas tree.
  • A house visit from the ‘real’ Santa Claus.
  • How quiet my neighborhood became under a blanket of snow.
  • The smell and feel of cold crisp mountain winter air.
  • A real pine Christmas tree.
  • Endless hours of sledding down tall hills covered with snow.
  • Moon boots!
  • A homemade nativity pageant with my cousins under my grandmothers Christmas tree.
  • Wassail (Utah Style… mostly juice and Christmas spices).
  • An indoor wood-burning fire.
  • The Temple Square lights.
  • Putting our shoes out for Sinterklaas (my father is Dutch, so we celebrated that tradition).
  • Baking Julekake (My mother is Norwegian. It is a Norwegian Christmas bread).
  • My Grandma Stout’s beautiful tree and pretty Nativity set in angel hair.
  • My Grandma Zeeman’s extraordinary cooking in her remote country home.
  • A Christmas moon rising over the Wasatch Mountains at twilight.
  • The magic and mystery of Christmas Eve and Christmas morning.
  • The long drive back home after a joyful day visiting cousins and grandparents and falling asleep in the car.
  • The unquestioning belief and knowledge of the love my parents and grandparents had for me.
  • A child’s faith in the story of Jesus’ birth.

I’m sure that over time the distance of my childhood diminishes the reality of that time, and frames instead pictures of a cheerful age. My family lived anything but a charmed life, as we were very poor and my father scraped by paycheck to paycheck keeping all eight of his children fed and clothed. However, I’m grateful that I have precious and happy memories of my childhood Christmases, as it’s my path in finding the Christmas Spirit this year.

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Christmas as a baby.

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Christmas when I was 16 months old.

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Christmas with the cousins

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Christmas Pageant with the cousins.

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I think I’m about 3 here.

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After a Christmas music program at my church, with my father and sister Julia. 

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Christmas Dinner at Grandma Zeeman’s house with my brother Richard.

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One of my dad’s Barbershop quartets.

I have one more set set of childhood memories that cause me to remember Christmases of times past:

  • Church Christmas music programs.
  • Christmas piano recitals.
  • My fathers Barbershop Christmas concerts (and/or gigs).
  • My mother’s Christmas Concerts in the Mormon Tabernacle.
  • Christmas Caroling with my family.
  • School Holiday programs.
  • Performing in the musical ‘A Christmas Carol’.
  • My Christmas concerts with the Salt Lake Children’s Choir

At the discovery of these memories, all I really can do is chuckle. My adult self, suffering with Christmas concert ‘burn out’, is able to find joy, peace and happiness in my childhood memories of… CHRISTMAS CONCERTS!?!? hehe, oh yes, the joke is on me.

As of tonight (two days before Christmas) I have directed and produced eight major Holiday programs (including a Children’s Musical), and have sung in five Christmas Concerts all with six different choirs. Yes, I’m tired. But every one of those concerts held meaning and joy for many people who sought love, joy and peace in a world that often experiences far too much pain. When I analyze the joyful musical experiences I’ve had this season, I realize I live a blessed and fulfilling life. I am grateful that music is a considerable part of the way my family and I celebrate Christmas.

My Christmas wish is that my children too will have happy and lasting musical Christmas memories. Here are just a few musical moments in their lives that I cherish.

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Christmas Eve Services

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Allison’s Holiday Dance Program

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Allison Attending her first Phoenix Chorale Concert and meeting Charles Bruffy

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Benjamin singing in my Cholla Choir

May your 2012 Christmas Season be filled with joy, peace, happy memories, and most of all … Music!

Merry Christmas.

My Mommy’s a Musician

I have decided to start a blog! This was not an easy decision, as I tend to be an intensely private person, only imparting my inner most thoughts with a very small circle of friends. By it’s nature a ‘blog’ implies that personal information is shared with many, and that concept has always scared me away. It’s not as if I am new to a public forums ‘about me,’ as I have a professional web page, and maintain a Facebook account. However, the way I use those mediums (as I believe many other do) is to 1- share professional information and 2- share random short musings about life. My public image is not a true reflection of who I am or my core philosophies. Rarely do I relate my inner most thoughts and feelings beyond my safe circle. Yet, recently I find that I desire to express my beliefs and experiences.

For the past four years, I have been working on a doctorate degree in Choral Conducting at Arizona State University. I am very happy to say that I am officially ABD (all but dissertation) as of this week and I’m very much looking forward to the end of this stage of my career. My educational journey has been everything from joyful, exquisite, and enlightening to painful, exhausting and at times even devastating. I know that I’ve grown as a teacher, a conductor, a singer, a researcher, and writer. I also have a much keener understanding of my own weaknesses, tendencies and self-defeating behaviors.

I have worked harder than I knew I was capable of, and my family has made enormous sacrifices. I constantly strive to be an active part of my children’s lives, including homework, hopes, dreams, laughter, struggles and activities for developing their talents and knowledge. I burn the candle at both ends knowing fully that I do not want to miss out on my children’s lives just because I am in an intense doctoral program. I pick them up from school daily, spent all afternoon with them for homework, activities, dinner and evening routines. The moment they are tucked away into bed I hit the books, and the papers, and the lesson planning, and the scores etc… But nothing comes without a cost and I have lived with heavy doses of mommy guilt for missing a myriad of ‘little things’ like field day, Halloween parties, Christmas parties, bedtime stories and sick days.

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Many people have asked me how I do it and tell me I appear as if I have it ‘all put together’, I have a ‘calm demeanor’, and that I’m ‘super organized’. Truthfully, I usually feel that I’m one step away from a major catastrophe, emotional breakdown or crisis. I’ve had significant trials over these past four years that have been, and will continue to be areas of perpetual worry.  However, through it all I have had one saving grace… my quiet majority.  My husband is my advocate, my motivator and my unyielding supporter. He, more than anyone, understands how important this degree is for my career, but more importantly for my well-being. I have always felt that I was ‘meant’ to be a musician and honestly… many of my best opportunities were the ones I did not seek, but quite literally ‘fell into my lap’. As I nourish these precious opportunities, my husband never fails to take on the role of ‘father extraordinaire’ (and I do mean laundry, dishes and making kids school lunches), and continually encourages me in my pursuits.

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Unfortunately, motherhood does not always match up with some of the more subtle expectations of a DMA degree. There were times I had to gracefully bow out and decline multiple events. Even though there might have been an ‘understanding’ for my obligations as a mother, it wasn’t always understood. I weathered many an awkward conversation or situation as I stood up for my belief in being a dependable, available and valuable parent. The often led to misunderstandings and unfortunate perceptions about who I am and what I stand for. I have been told that it will be an area in which I may continually struggle as I move forward in my career.

As late as just last week, I questioned why I am even doing this. There are so many negatives to this profession: working on late nights and weekends, ugly politics, hours and hours of score study and logistical planning, and the famous musicians decry of “ridiculously low wages.” It is a hard career to balance close friendships, family life and philanthropic work at church.  Nevertheless, the answer to myself is always the same, and it really is quite simple. I absolutely love what I do. I love making music. I love teaching. I love sharing the beauty of music both with those under my ‘baton’, as well as the audience in a live concert and those that may hear recordings in the future. I love how through music we can foster communication, relationships, and communities. I love how music is universal and doesn’t require a linguistic language to express a mood, or make a listeners arm hair stand up on end. I love to see people grow, change, improve and appreciate the art in the process of rehearsals and concerts. I love to help people feel good about themselves, their accomplishments and confident in their performance. Although I know I am meant to be in this profession, and I ‘need’ it as a part of my life, my participation in this career not about ‘me’. It is not about the ego, the exposure, or the reputation of the conductor. It is about the people, the humanity, and the sharing of all the joys, sorrows, love, and loss of our collective spirit.

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Has my schooling been worth it? For my personal growth and edification… absolutely! I wouldn’t trade the progress I have made for anything in the world. My journey on this path is only just starting, so I can’t say for sure if the degree is really worth it for my career. I certainly hope so! I can say this. It is important to me that my children see their mom as someone who sets a goals and attains them, as someone who knows their purpose, as someone who believes that the term ‘impossible’ is absurd, and as someone who doesn’t let anything stand in her way to achieve her dreams. Do I make my kids proud? I think my daughter answered that question tonight when she enthusiastically announced at the dinner table, “My mommy’s a musician! … a singer and a conductor!”

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